This "L" Thing We Just Can't Ignore

Men usually set standards for liking. Say, a girl’s got to be hot and sexy, she has to have long hair, sense of humor and the list goes on for us to say that ‘Oh, I like her’.

I too would not spare myself with the fact that I do have classifications. I do think that it is inevitable since for us to like somebody else, we should have seen something distinct and impressive with that person.

Recently, while I was throwing some love advice to a friend, she asked me, “Anong bang alam mo sa pag-ibig?”  BOOM! I was caught off guard. The last time I dated was four years ago and the last time I had been in a relationship was way back in second year high school, which a lot would say, is just puppy love.

Seriously, what do I really know about liking? About love?

As a Psychology major who had been studying people’s behavior for the past years, these questions imposed a challenge.

So let’s start with liking. How does a person get to say ‘I like her’ or how do people get attracted?

Different theories has been formulated by academics trying to explain how people get attracted. Lott (1972) explains through her reinforcement theory that we tend to like  those people who are associated with pleasant events and dislikes those who are connected with unpleasant events. Moreover, a person likes those who bolster their self-esteem as proposed by Giles and Coupland (1991) in their Gain-Loss theory of attraction. Lastly, social psychologists view liking as a development process where two people engage in a deep sense of self-disclosure which deepens over time.

Taking it on an interpersonal level of attraction, theorists believe that there are five aspects that are involved in developing mutual liking: Similarity,  Reciprocity, Familiarity, Proximity and Physical Attractiveness (Baron, Branscombe & Byrne, 2009). With the same concept as ‘birds of the same feather flock together’, people who share same interests tend to like each other especially if these common things they share are reinforced or reciprocated by one another.

Familiarity and Proximity goes along. Those people who are familiar to us since we are always with them give us high tendencies that we may develop a deeper sense of attraction towards them. Lastly, as inevitable as it is, physical attractiveness still has a spot in the process of liking another person.

Bottom line here is that, aside from the physical characteristics we consider, we like someone because there are certain parts of that person that is ‘us’ too and that we grow, we feel good and we feel more confident of ourselves through the other person that we like.

Now let’s go to the next big thing--this “L” thing that we just can’t ignore: LOVE.

As opposed to the mysterious and magical classic definitions and characteristics of love, science has its own way of explaining it.

Fisher (2007) believes that love and attraction are merely just products of chemicals working in our brain. Chemicals responsible for our behavior in love and relationships belong to the class of neurochemicals, which are compounds forming largely in the brain and participating in neural activity.

The first “sparks” in the air followed by falling in love are caused by combination of three neurochemicals: Norepinephrin, Dopamine and Phenylethylamine. Later stages of long relationships are guided by another three: Endorphins, Vasopressin and Oxytocin.

So what each of these chemicals does to us when we fall in love?

Norepinephrine stimulates the production of adrenaline, which makes our heart race, and the palms sweat. High level of norepinephrine in the brain increases the experience of joy and reduces appetite (which explains why some people just can’t eat when they’re in love). Dopamine on the other hand, is getting released by the brain when we feel good. It also makes people more “talkative” and excitable. It affects brain processes that control emotional response, movement, ability to express pleasure, but also pain.

The first attraction causes us to produce more Phenylethylamine (PEA), which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Large quantities of PEA increase both physical and emotional energy and at the same time release more Dopamine. So, only when these three chemicals combine together, we feel the real “chemistry” of love. It is due to this combination that new lovers feel euphoric and energized and can talk days and nights long.

As we go along and as we feel our heartbeat speeding up, we don’t need to worry, it’s just our Adrenaline doing its work. It can trick us into thinking that those exciting feelings we are having are related to love, not just danger. That’s probably because excitement, arousal, attraction, and anxiety are all related.

Endorphins are also involved in the longevity of love. Endorphins have the same pain-killing and pleasure-delivering properties as morphine, without the risk of overdose. Also, the high-density distributions of vasopressin receptor (AVPr1a) have been shown to facilitate and coordinate reward circuits during partner preference formation helps us form lasting bonds with a mate. Lastly, Oxytocin helps our brain form a bonding relationship as it is seen released in the later emotional attachment phase of relationships.

These are the things that I know about love--love and attraction is a mix of physiological, social, physical, emotional, psychological and sometimes even spiritual aspect.

Complicated don't you think?

And after writing all these, I now feel so guilty for answering my friend’s question. Contrary to what you might probably thinking now, I still do think that love, with all its complications, need not to be defined— it’s something that we should just feel and something that we just need to allow to get into us.

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